Exhausted days

最近在帶Arizona學生
她們來我們院區五天
雖然我只帶了約三天，但心理壓力一直在
擔心她們感覺無聊、學不到東西
擔心交下去的東西其他同事不會做..
自己年底了事情也一堆
H100公衛補助款final report、感控小組開會、實習生、TDM年底報告、ADR等等
天天都在來不及，巴不得自己是章魚有n隻手
真是everyday exhausted
肚子總是默默地痛著好像胃潰瘍的感覺 (嘆)

前幾天跟主任說了明年要走的事
跟去年不同的是，
我突然覺得她贊成或反對，都已無所謂了
差別只在於
昨天捨不下地跑去看LSTM、MSF網頁
看到referee required就在想
如果是真的要申請，她會不會願意幫我寫呢?

不過這終究沒什麼意義
LSTM的program看一百遍，仍然是這麼差強人意
要我付3500英鎊 好像有點心不甘情不願
MSF又太難了
他們要我這個小毛頭去做什麼呢

有時候真是感到自己的渺小
有時候又覺得，在這裡事情樣樣要我親力親為
非常非常想罵人阿。
(究竟這些公務員在這邊二十年都在幹麻?)

How difficult a breaking up could be?

That's a question mark.
However, i don't want to know the answer.

Today, my director send me an email,
talking about the final report of mid to long term plan of our department this year she wrote.
She put me in two trainning program overseas at 2011 and 2012.
I responded to her, telling her i appreciated it and i would think it over.

Actually i've prepared to tell her i would quit next year,
but it has been such a long time.
I don't have the true courage to discuss this with her.
I could imagine what words she would say..

She did her best to keep me here.

She has been treated me very well, and i don't want to let her down.

To be honest, I've been always the one who don't want to let anybody down.
Kind of hypocrite? ...
The tryth is I don't like to see anyone be disappointed because of me.
I'd like everybody happy.
That's truly difficult and too innocent, Dare to dream, isn't it?
Maybe the first thing i should learn is being myself,
not working so hard to fit me in other's window.

永澤君

永澤君是<挪威的森林>裡的一個角色
年少的時候，看到這個角色沒什麼感覺
只知道是個相當聰明，卻又自負、傲慢、冷漠的男子

不過，隨著年紀長大
經歷也了解了更多事情之後
反而覺得這個角色是最透澈的了。
許多地方，他都能一針見血地道破世間虛偽的真貌
冷淡地讓人感到痛快(笑)
也是因為他我才開始喜歡古典小說的吧。